Ted: Why I Hated It

I can’t in good conscience call this a review.  I simply can’t call this a review because I couldn’t finish this dreck.  I got to the hour mark before I stopped the movie and took it out of my DVD player in disgust.  However, I do think I can give forth an opinion on this movie and why I hated it so much.  God help me, let’s talk about Ted.

Have you ever seen the show Family Guy by Seth MacFarlane?  Congratulations, or, rather, I’m so sorry, because you’re officially part of this movie’s target audience.  I’m serious here, if you’ve seen one episode of Family Guy, imagine a 2 hour long version of that.  That’s Ted.  Because if it isn’t well known by now, Seth MacFarlane is a comedian who knows exactly one joke.  And that joke stopped being funny the 12th time he said it.

If you’re thinking to yourself “Come on, this can’t just be a 2 hour long Family Guy.  No human being can be that repetitive.  Besides, he’s already got Family Guy clones.  They’re called American Dad and The Cleveland Show.”  To this I say half the cast is directly off of Family Guy.  Mila Kunis, Patrick Warburton, Alex Borstein.  Seth even somehow got Patrick Stewart (who is apparently a regular on American Dad) to be the Narrator.  Seth even does his Peter voice as the voice of Ted.  All the other Seth MacFarlane staples are in here.  Stupid cut away gags that have hardly anything to do with the narrative, grown men acting like children, people drinking and getting high, and, most importantly, shock humor.

Seth’s biggest love is SHOCK VALUE humor.  Every joke he writes down, he does so with the intention of shocking people.  Find it shocking if a kid says Fuck a lot?  That’s in this movie.  Hookers taking a shit on the floor make you gag?  Yep, in there too.  Teddy bear pretending to get jizzed on makes you go “What the fuck”?  You guessed it.  In the movie it goes.  Shock value humor is fine up to a point.  But after about the 20th shock joke in as many minutes, it wears thin, gets unfunny, and just becomes annoying.  I’m a fan of a well placed fart joke but after the 5th one in the same movie, I start questioning why the fart was ever funny.

I tried not to let this movie defeat me.  I really did.  I didn’t walk away when the Mila Kunis had to clean hooker shit off the floor.  I didn’t walk away when a teddy bear was caught somehow having sex with a woman on top of produce and DIDN’T get fired from his job.  I didn’t walk away when a white trash woman started making a very uncomfortable scene in a restaurant that only annoyed me.  You know what’s surprising?  You really want to know what defeated me?  The predictability of this movie.

What you basically have here is a movie that has the plot elements of a Romantic Comedy.  A couple is together but the man keeps screwing up.  He needs to grow up and accept that he’s an adult now.  The woman tries to convince him to let go of the past.  The man tries but ultimately screws up.  Blah blah blah.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I expected something a bit more original from this movie.  I don’t know why I expected it.  Trying to get an original idea from Seth nowadays is probably like trying to get a wall to paint itself by yelling at it.

MacFarlane, I really do like you.  Your range as a voice actor is spectacular.  I even enjoyed your comedy once.  But I’m getting more and more convinced that your claim to fame is long over.  If I were you, I’d quit while I was a millionaire, which I think you are.

Don’t even get me started on the fact that this movie has won awards that were not Razzies.  How the public can look at this drivel and see something good is just a concept I don’t understand.  This is probably the most negative I’ve ever been on this blog so far.  As a person who sometimes enjoys schlock for schlock’s sake, I really think that says something about this movie.  Stay far away from this movie.  And I mean far.  I didn’t even finish it and I want that hour of my life back.

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