I will be returning to my short series on my adventures at PEI whenever I please. Basically, I realized that reading about some other person’s vacation may not make for very exciting reading week after week. So, instead, I have decided that I have something else I want to talk about.
Originally, I was going to write up a blog about Whodunnit, a competition reality show that recently ended. Then I was going to blog about Pokemon Platinum, a game I just finished for the first time. (I will undoubtedly make a blog about each of those in the near future.) However, last week, the week I didn’t find the time to blog, was all about preparation. For what? Two fairly major things in my life. One less major than the other.
Being able to use a computer is pretty much a necessity nowadays, at least in my case. First, school requires computers in order to do basic homework assignments. This is especially true now that I’m going for my Masters in Writing. (I’ll talk more about that in a bit.) Secondly, being in a long distance relationship, I need Skype just to be able to see my girlfriend. So, after I graduated high school, my mother decided that my graduation would be a new laptop. Not just any laptop, but a Mac. See, I had had many issues in the past with viruses and because Mac viruses are rare (usually), she wanted to make sure I had a safe and brand new computer.
Long story short, I now own a MacBook Air. While I have used Macs in the past in classroom situations, I have never myself owned a Mac computer. Still, thanks to my fleeting experience, I’ve been able to adapt to the Mac pretty well. If I may, I’d like to give a brief review of my new MacBook Air which I have nicknamed Snow.
This laptop is the thinnest, most light-weight laptop I have ever seen. It’s lightness makes it very portable to suit my needs. The desktop is fairly easy to use if you know what you’re doing. However, if you’ve never used a Mac before, it might be more than a little daunting and confusing. Still, after a few hiccups while trying to install some software, I’ve finally got the hang of this Mac thing. It’s a good laptop and I’m having a fine time using it. I assume I’ll be used to it soon enough.
Anyway, as I mentioned before, the reason I have this shiny new laptop is because I’m going into graduate school to get a Masters degree. I’ve chosen Writing because, well, I love to write. I hope to one day have a career that involves writing for a magazine or editing for a publishing company. I think I’m a decent writer and can thrive in that world. However, since I’m starting at a brand new school with completely new people (to me) and a whole new set of rules and mannerisms to learn, I find one phrase going in my mind over and over.
All my life, I have had two consistent fears. One, bugs (which has nothing to do with what I’m talking about now.) The other is Failure. I am absolutely terrified of failing. I don’t mean to sound like a bragging asshole, but I haven’t gotten a lot of Fs in my life. That’s because I work as hard as I can whenever anything is asked of me. I try my best to do whatever is asked of me in a satisfactory way. When I eventually did get my first F, though, I basically formed this instant feeling of regret, sorrow, shame, and fear that I now feel every time I receive one. Basically, an F, for me, screams the following phrases in my head: “You’re not good enough. You tried your best and your best sucks. You will never be good enough. You may as well lay down and die.”
I know, I sound like an overly dramatic prick. My problem is that failing even once makes me think that my future is crumbling. It makes me feel like I will never amount to anything. It’s irrational, but that’s the way fear works. Now, my fear of failing feels like it has tripled or quadrupled. This is because now I only have classes that represent the career I have chosen. I feel like, if I fail now, there’s nothing else I can do, nothing else I’ll be able to do well.
I know that I shouldn’t be jumping the gun like this. I should be optimistic, saying I will do my best and persevere. This is a new school with a chance at a new beginning. It can’t be as impossible as I’m making it out to be in my head. Honestly, I WILL do my best. I will work as hard as I ever have to pass all my classes and get that degree. I just hope that my best is good enough.