Review: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by NOT JK Rowling

I’m late to the party with this, I know. This book/script came out over a month ago and everyone has already expressed their opinions on this. However, I needed some time to digest my thoughts on this book/script. I read it about a month ago and I think it’s high time I wrote my own thoughts down about it. So, let’s take a look. What exactly did I think about Harry Nutter and the Snot Nosed Brat…. Warning. Harsh language and fanboy anger ahead.

I understand that this is a script and that scripts aren’t indicative of the final product of the play. I don’t care. It was still released to the public as a book and as a book is how I’m reviewing it.

So what’s the plot of this pile of trash? We follow Albus Potter, Harry and Ginny’s third child, as he has a time traveling adventure where he tries to save Cedric Diggery from his death in the Goblet of Fire. Chaos ensues and, eventually, nobody that matters really learns anything.

Fuck this book. Fuck this terrible, nonsense pile of trash that has the GALL to have the Harry Potter name on it. I don’t care that JK Rowling approved it. She’s been wrong before. Even SHE admits that Hermione/Ron shouldn’t have happened. So, let me just say what everyone knows already. This is NOT Harry Potter. This is overblown fanfiction that the author tricked publishers and producers into somehow greenlighting. Fuck this book. Fuck everything about it, starting with the horrible characterizations.

Answer me one simple question: Who is the main character of the story? It’s not Harry as he doesn’t go through any real changes. It’s not Albus as he’s not even in the whole story. It’s not Scorpius because he doesn’t LEARN anything. Who’s the main character? Who are we supposed to root for? Because, to be honest, there’s absolutely nobody in this story who is worth following for any amount of time. Everyone is selfish, rude, and idiotic. The returning characters are comical caricatures of their former selves. Don’t even get me started on all the horrible stuff Harry does as a father in this book. A lot of new characters are also introduced and then promptly dropped because why bother trying to make new, interesting characters when there’s other established ones to fuck up? The list includes: Harry’s two other children who have one line each, Ron and Hermione’s child which might as well not be in the book at all, the Hogwarts train lady who gets a stupid magic explanation, and an entire new Hogwarts school year that doesn’t even get mentioned.

As a script, this book also fails. I’ve written my fair share of scripts and I’ve read a few as well and… Does the writer know what “stage direction” is? Because the audience can’t, or at least shouldn’t, be able to SMELL a person’s courage or whatever. Seriously, the writer continuously makes stage directions that no serious actor would be able to follow at all. Besides that, the story doesn’t have any sense of flow. Scenes go by too quickly. Some scenes only take 2 to 3 pages to complete. If you’re not aware, that’s only about a minute of actual stage time. So, what, is this play like half an hour long? Really, it feels like this is only the very first draft of the story. I wouldn’t be surprised if, between the published copy and the actual stage product, there’s almost nothing in common between them. I’m almost positive that there had to be at least 5 or 6 more rewrites to get this eligible for live action.

Look, I could be here ranting at you for at least 20 more paragraphs. I haven’t even scratched the surface when it comes to this book’s bad qualities. It has plotholes and leaps of logic on every single page, it doesn’t respect it’s own past, and it feels like something written by a 12 year old. Here’s the bottom line: Harry Potter’s story is OVER. It’s DONE. However, that doesn’t mean the world has to be finished. The Wizarding World HAS to have some other interesting people in it. Hell, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them looks like it’s going to be a fascinating look at the larger world of Harry Potter. But, Harry’s story is completely finished. Please, I beg any future authors to just let it die. There’s absolutely nothing that you could possibly add to the story to make it more interesting. Need proof? Just try reading this abomination of a book once again.

Also, who in the flying fuck is the fucking CURSED CHILD of the title?

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One thought on “Review: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by NOT JK Rowling

  1. This is one of the best reviews I’ve seen. It’s like everyone was reading it with rose colored glasses and saw no faults in it. But yet, as people talked they didn’t seem to know what the script was really about.

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