I’ve been really obsessed with Cracked.com lately, specifically their series After Hours. For those who haven’t seen, four friends sit around at table nitpicking popular culture to hell and back. So, I’ve been in the mood to do the same. And what better franchise to cut to ribbons than the all-powerful kingdom of the mouse.
There have been a number of memorable Disney villains throughout the years. They have great designs, over-the-top personalities, a bumbling henchman or two. The villains are the best parts of Disney movies. But do they always have the best laid plans? You’d be surprised how quickly some of these plots fall apart the more you poke at them. So, I’m here to talk about 4 Disney villains whose plans were bullshit. I’m not disputing their evil-ness or anything like that. I’m just saying that these four plans are stupid and pointless. Here they are in no particular order.
For the self-proclaimed “Mistress of All Evil,” Maleficent accomplishes fuck all in Sleeping Beauty. (Like the rest of the world, we’re going to forget that awful “live action pussification” thing didn’t happen.) Her first act of pettiness was to sentence a baby to death… in sixteen years. First of all, why not just kill the baby now? It’s a baby, ergo literally defenseless. If Maleficent is as powerful as she says she is, those guards wouldn’t stand a chance, especially if she changes form. Secondly, her spell of “death” is easily and instantly outdone by a fairy who is supposedly way less powerful than her. I guess you could say that she trapped a kingdom and captured the prince. But, again, the fairies outclass her and take out her spells. Then she turns into a dragon and is taken out by a single sword stab. Not a magic sword, just a sword. Like, seriously? And, if she has “all the powers of hell,” why turn into a dragon? Why not a giant Cthulu-type monster that will destroy the prince’s mind as soon as he looks at her? And what was her ultimate end-goal? Revenge against a king for not inviting her to a party. Petty.
Speaking of unused power, we have Ursula. Now, I think her plan to get Triton’s trident was actually pretty good. She tricked his daughter to lure him into a trap to force him to give it up. No, what sucks here is that Ursula gets “all the powers of the ocean” and uses them to do nothing. She shoots some lightning, grows big, and causes a whirlpool… That’s it. Doesn’t make a tidal wave, doesn’t command all the fish in the sea to attack, doesn’t command the very tides to destroy her enemies. Just a whirlpool. Growing big was probably the worst thing she could have done. All she did was make a bigger target of herself. So, having the trident for a few minutes, she accomplishes jack diddly and is killed. She doesn’t even kill Triton with her new powers. She just turns him into one of those bottom dweller creatures. You know. The thing she could ALREADY DO.
Jafar is by far my favorite Disney villain, but even he isn’t without some major faults. Tell me something. What was his end goal? Become sultan? And then what? We even see him accomplish his goal. He becomes not only sultan but “The most powerful sorcerer in the world” and… What does he do with his power? Fuck around. All he does is fuck around. He eats, he has the princess serve him, and he turns the Sultan into a puppet. He doesn’t rule over people. He sits around and gloats about his power. Power isn’t an end goal, guys. Power is something you use. And, to put it simply, Jafar simply doesn’t use it. He doesn’t change Agrabah to suit himself. He doesn’t use his magic to gain more power in the world. He just moves the palace to a cliff top and… sits around eating shit.
4. Shere Kahn
(Again, we’re ignoring the remake.) Talk about untapped power. Shere Kahn is my pick for the least effectual Disney villain ever. He rules the jungle. All the animals are scared of him. All he wants to do is kill a little boy. And he doesn’t even injure the kid. Let’s ignore the fact that this is the jungle and a baby would have been killed in like 2.4 seconds. Shere Kahn can’t even defeat a little kid. He wastes time, gives Mowgli a “sporting chance” and, because of his arrogance, can’t defeat one small child with arms and legs like twigs. The fight should have been over before it even began with Shere Kahn taking one swipe and slicing Mowgli in thirds.
So, those are my thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Do you agree or am I way off base? Are there other, even less effective Disney villains that I skipped? Let me know! Until next time, this is Daffy living happily ever after. For the time being.